Building Partnerships with Children
It doesn’t feel good as a parent to dole out punishments. It feels terrible to yell, spank, or take away privileges. It breaks down your relationship. It also isn't respectful to be permissive, some behaviors certainly do have consequences that must be felt. By building a partnership with our children, we can comfortably guide our children through their challenges. One way to do this is teaching kids a little independence.
The Power of Independence
When we give children tasks and allow them a little control, we send a clear message: “We trust you, and we believe you can do this yourself.” This belief is transformative. Children thrive when they feel important, capable, and respected.
Rather than viewing children as passive participants who must be managed, we can empower them to take ownership. This shift from control to collaboration fosters a sense of belonging and accountability. It moves us away from using punishments and rewards, like sticker charts (more on this in an article to come), to manage behavior.
Moving Beyond Rewards and Punishments
Traditional approaches like punishment or reward systems often focus on compliance—do this to get that, or avoid this to escape a consequence. But these methods don’t necessarily encourage long-term responsibility. It also teaches children that you are their adversary, which is not what you want in the teenage years!
By involving children in tasks that allow them to care for themselves or their belongings, you’re teaching them that responsibility is part of being a valued member of the family. They become your teammate in this way. When given responsibilities, they become accountable. This isn’t about doing what you’re told to avoid punishment or earn a reward—it’s about developing self-reliance and pride.
Starting Early: Simple Ways to Build Independence
Start small and often. These little tasks add up. Even a baby who is mobile can bring you a diaper or help in small ways. Every time your child carries their own water bottle is a drop in the bucket. It builds a foundation that you can use later.
Tiny everyday tasks that matter:
Picking out their own clothes
Carrying all of their own belongings (“Yes, that backpack is heavy! Let's get to the car so you can set it down”)
Holding the door open for someone
Bringing you their lunchbox so you can help empty it out, or emptying it out themselves
Buckling/unbuckling their seatbelt
Getting their own utensils at dinner time or setting them out for the family
Spend a few days looking at all aspects of your life asking yourself “what can my child do?” and see what you come up with! Observe your child and notice what they enjoy doing for themselves. If they love going to the park, ask: What can they do to help get themselves there (with your guidance)? Can they fill their own water bottle before leaving the house? Each of these moments becomes a chance to teach responsibility and build their confidence.
Shift your Language
If you’re having trouble getting your child to participate, I suggest adjusting your language. I like to stay away from language like “chores”. To me, it still carries a tone of “I am the adult who tells you what to do.”
Instead, involve your child in a conversation “this is what we do in our family” and model, teach, repeat, make adjustments as needed. You got this!
Better Behavior Through Empowerment
Children who feel empowered are more likely to respect boundaries and contribute positively to the family dynamic. They understand that their actions matter, fostering a sense of belonging and accountability.
Children do have an intrinsic motivation to be a contributing member of the household. What ultimately motivates your child is something that parent knows best! Slow down, observe, shift your thinking to involve your kids in their care. This leads to a happier, more harmonious household.