Fear, Struggle, and Disappointment: Embracing Healthy Emotions
Fear, struggle, disappointment, discomfort—these are all healthy emotions to experience. We’re not scared of them, and we don’t rush to fix or solve them every time they come up. Instead, we’re mindful to allow opportunities for these feelings in a low-stakes environment. A low-stakes environment is a place where children feel held and supported while they work through something challenging.
Consider the little struggles in life: putting on a shoe, falling down while riding a bike, carrying a heavy backpack, fear at bedtime. All of these are moments for growth.
Why Is Struggle Important?
We won’t always be around to solve problems for our children. It’s healthy and necessary for children to learn their limits, preferences, and what challenges them.
When we swoop in, it sends a message to the child: “This is too hard, you can’t do it,” or “This isn’t safe,” or “Fear is a bad feeling, avoid it.” or “You’re scared and you should be, you are unsafe.” The child still carries those messages when we aren’t there to fix it, and it leaves them less able to overcome difficult tasks.
How Is This Done?
Language Matters: When children complain, validate their feelings! Even if, in your head, what they’re complaining about isn’t a big deal, it is to them. You’ll get better results if your child feels like you’re on their team.
What if You’re in a Rush?
Sometimes, you just need to move on to the next thing, and that’s okay! This is your permission to step in and help if you have to. More often than not, there is time. Reading this is a step toward noticing the little moments when you do have the time. Maybe the task is putting on shoes to go to the park. You might feel impatient, but remember, the park will still be there. Manage your feelings and let them take their time.
If they’re getting too frustrated and refuse to keep trying, try saying, “Ugh, yeah, those shoes are so hard! Can I help you?” Then do just the tiniest bit to support them, like slipping their heel in or unstrapping it. Model for them as you go.
Of course, we protect our children from serious injury and intense emotional trauma. But it’s in the little moments each day that we can practice not automatically swooping in to solve every problem.
This practice leaks into everything we do. When you become mindful of the importance of struggle, your child will be more willing and able to face struggles and be independent. They will learn to trust themselves.