Morning Rituals
As I send my 7-year-old out the door to school, I find myself reflecting on the inevitable busy morning ritual that so many families struggle with. Fortunately, my stepdaughter is only sometimes grumpy in the mornings. She is a good listener, logical, and cooperative. However, she is not fast. Like most children, her processing time is slower than that of an adult, especially in the morning. Even with all her strengths, the last few moments before we head out the door can still feel rushed and tense.
My stepdaughter practices independence and does so quite well. We’ve set up routines to help her, designed for ease and accuracy, though not necessarily speed. I don’t know any child who has the same sense of urgency as adults do. Children aren’t ruled by the clock. They live entirely in the moment, which is such a gift to us—except when the carline drop-off has a hard cutoff at 8:30.
It can be difficult to advocate for total independence when there’s simply somewhere to be. But I’m here to make that case anyway and share some strategies I use to regulate myself and avoid frustration with the child in the process.
Night-Before Prep
Setting out clothes, packing lunch, and talking about what you’ll have for breakfast—or even how you’ll style your child’s hair the next day—can make a world of difference. By doing this, we are prepping the brain for what’s to come and sending the message to the child: These things matter. You matter. And we have a plan. Don’t think of this as just another task to complete, these can also become sweet, connected moments with your child along with reading a book before bed.
Ok, It’s Morning!
Wake Up Earlier
This tip is obvious but possibly the hardest to implement. Even 10-15 minutes earlier can make all the difference—20 minutes is even better. I know, we are all sleep-deprived. But who likes to get rushed out the door within 30 minutes of getting out of bed? Give yourself and your child some wiggle room. Make that morning time quality, allowing your child space to wake up and breathe.
Silent, Gentle Guidance
Sometimes, a little silent, gentle guidance goes a long way. This can look like guiding your child with a hand on their back, no words. Help them find their clothes or get to the bathroom, even guide an arm through a sleeve. For most children, this kind of connected, loving support can be just what they need.
At the same time, try not to do everything for them. Guide them to the item, refrain from bringing it to them. The message becomes, This is your responsibility, but I’m here to help. Doing the task for the child and supporting them are not the same!
**Dealing with “Dead Weight” Mode
If your child goes into full “dead weight” mode, spend a moment cuddling or breathing together while sitting up. There’s no rush—remember, you got up 15 minutes early for this!
Breakfast
On an excellent morning, my child is involved in preparing breakfast, on a normal morning in our house, one adult prepares breakfast while the other helps with getting ready. If you’re flying solo opt for something easy or prepare breakfast the night before. Most importantly, reduce the stress of eating.
Yes, breakfast is important, but consider these factors:
Do you like eating first thing in the morning? Many of us don’t.
Was dinner late, big, or carb-heavy the night before? If so, their digestive system may still be waking up.
Consider packing breakfast for the ride to school or a morning snack they can eat later. Your job as the parent is to provide sustenance; their job is to decide what to eat and how much. A gentle reminder like, “This is the time we can eat; then we go to school,” is usually enough.
Reminders
Some children thrive on reminders like, “We leave in 10 minutes,” but many don’t. For younger kids, time is an abstract concept. All they hear is, “My adult is getting stressed.”
Depending on your child’s age, responsibilities vary. At 7, my stepdaughter is responsible for gathering her lunchbox (which she packs the night before), shoes, socks, water bottle, backpack, and outerwear. Visual reminders help with gathering these items, and they are in the same place every day, but it still takes time and mental energy to gather them all. Keep in mind, she’s only been awake for 30 minutes, and it’s still dark outside, patience is key. Again, we got up early for this remember? ;) If she gets stuck, I use gentle, wordless guidance to the location of whatever is next on the list.
Observing the Chaos
In the moment this morning, I notice my husband and I bustling about, getting in each other’s way as we grab coffee and last-minute items. Our voices are a bit louder, and our tone is faster. It’s subtle, but I see that my stepdaughter’s processing time actually slows when we enter this phase of the morning—leading to our frustration.
As she walks to get her lunchbox, my husband hands her her shoes, and her focus breaks. We’re all getting in each other’s way, and it actually takes longer to get out the door. Here’s where the following tools come in:
Gentle Guidance: When we need to move faster, I use hand-over-hand help with socks and shoes or guide her to grab her lunchbox.
Self-Regulation: I remind myself it will all get done, take a deep breath, and even sit down to stay out of her way!
Minimal Language: Avoiding unnecessary input keeps things simpler for her. I am watching for a cue from her, a look that tells me she needs help, before I step in. Learn your child’s “help” cue.
At the end of it all, my stepdaughter is ready to go and out the door, pretty much on time. I notice, though, that my husband and I are the ones who are disregulated—he’s looking for his keys, I’m handing off a bag that needs to go to the school office, and we realize we didn’t label her new winter hat.
It’s almost comical how we get frustrated with children in their slow, methodical nature, while we’re skipping steps ourselves! Our children have so much to teach us. Slow down. Observe. And let them remind you of the beauty in taking life one step at a time.